Five Santas and an Elf
by pikaree1
Summary: It's Christmas in Karakura Town, and the Kurosaki house is going to be paid a visit from five Santas and a grouchy elf. Oneshot!


**Petal: A Christmas one-shot. I don't own Bleach!**

The Soul Reapers had just learned of Christmas, courtesy of Orihime.

"I want a Chappy doll," Rukia said wistfully.

"Candy!" Yachiru cheered gleefully. "Kenny, make Santa Claus give me candy!"

Three captains and one assistant captain hatched a plan.

One captain felt a deep sense of foreboding as he glanced at his assistant.

Isshin made Ichigo get out the Santa Claus costume that had been used for years.

* * *

><p>Isshin sent Karin and Yuzu off to bed. "Santa Claus won't come unless you're fast asleep!" he reminded them.<p>

"Yeah, yeah," Karin muttered, but she did as she was instructed. Now, she wasn't _really_ asleep, and she knew Santa wasn't real, but she decided that she'd be a good sister and block Yuzu if she heard Isshin- although she had suspected for some time now that Ichigo was the one stuck with the job- setting out gifts downstairs.

Rukia and Yachiru were having a stake-out, planning to force Santa Claus to tell them where and how he got all his deliveries.

And at that moment, he struck.

Byakuya Kuchiki, head of the Kuchiki Clan, veritable walking ice block, captain of the sixth company, came sliding down the Kurosaki chimney in a protective layer of cherry blossoms to keep from getting sooty. The flowers fell off as he landed, and it revealed the fact that he was wearing red Soul Reaper robes edged with white fleece that everyone was pretty sure was supposed to be a Santa Claus costume. And he had a bowl of jelly taped onto it over his stomach. And their was snow stuck to his face. And he was attempting to smile.

_'Santa Claus is a jolly old man with red clothes edged in white fleece, a beard white as snow and a stomach that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly!'_

Well, he was over a hundred years old, even if he didn't look it.

He wordlessly placed an elegantly wrapped package with wrapping paper decorated in pale pink cherry blossom. Inside the package was a limited edition Chappy doll.

He cared about Rukia in his own cold-hearted way... But wait, that's an oxymoron...

Anyway, just as he turned to leave (And just as Rukia started to cry at the knowledge that her big brother cared about her) Kenpachi busted the window down.

Everyone in the Kurosaki household shivered as the cold winter wind seeped inside.

Walking straight past the other captain, he dropped a boatload of candy underneath the Christmas tree.

Yachiru pouted. He wasn't even dressed up!

The two turned to leave- Byakuya covering himself in cherry blossoms once more, prepared to slide _up_ the chimney with super awesome Soul Reaper powers, Kenpachi with one foot out the window- when Captain Ukitake picked the lock on the door and fell inside.

"Oh no! Captain!" Kiyone and Sentaro wailed.

"I'm fine," he wheezed, "just a little cold."

Yeah, right. He was deathly pale.

At least he was wearing a proper costume. He was decked out in a red coat, black boots, red fleece pajama pants (don't ask), a red hat, a fluffy white fake beard, and he even had a pillow stuffed under his shirt. You had to give him points for accuracy. He weakly placed the packages under the tree, but then he collapsed in a dead faint.

Captain Unohana appeared and carried him back to Soul Society on a stretcher, Kiyone and Sentaro blubbering behind him and somehow still arguing.

Byakuya and Kenpachi attempted to leave again, but then the newly shut door was busted down by none other than Rangiku. "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" she bellowed. Karin tackled Yuzu, tied her up, and blocked the door. Yuzu wondered why Karin wasn't letting her see Santa Claus and why Santa's voice sounded female.

Anyway, back to Rangiku. She was standing there in a red Santa-themed dress. Basically, she looked like one of those people at the 'Take a photo with Santa' places. And guess who was next to her? Captain Hitsugaya! It made sense, actually. In an adorable little elf outfit, the short, young (although he hated both facts) captain caused many old ladies to squeal and take pictures on the journey to the Kurosaki house. "I hate this," he grumped, glaring at his assistant captain. How did she talk him into this again? Oh yeah, she promised to do all her paper work for the whole next year...

By now, Rukia was gobsmacked, and Yachiru was dissolving in a fit of giggles. Just as Yuzu managed to somehow break out of the room, Ichigo walked in through the open door with a bag of gifts. He froze. Why was Byakuya here? And what was with the weird outfit? And Kenpachi? And why were his bells bigger so as to be classified as jingle bells? And why was there a puddle of tears on the floor? And Rangiku? And why was Toshiro wearing an elf costume? Ichigo was sure that when Momo saw, she had squealed and commented that he looked adorable. And... OH NO WHY WAS YUZU STARING AT THE SCENE ABORT MISSION RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Ichigo said the first thing that came to mind. "It's a dream, Yuzu! It's just a dream!" he shouted.

She relaxed. "Oh. Okay. Hey... If this is my dream, I can do whatever I want, right?"

"Um... I guess...?" Ichigo responded nervously.

She smiled and turned to Rukia. "Please marry my big brother!"

Okay, wrong character, anime mix-up! Let's start over!

She smiled and turned to Rukia. "Why do you sleep in my brother's closet?"

Ichigo and Rukia froze. "Er... Um..."

Byakuya looked like he was going to mercilessly use his bankai on a certain carrot-top.

Kenpachi finally left, Yachiru hanging off his shoulder.

Rangiku busted a gut laughing.

Hitsugaya muttered something about erasing everyone's memories.

And Captain Ukitake rode over the Kurosaki house in a sleigh pulled by flying thestrals.

The end!

**Petal: Please review!**


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